The process of grieving the loss of a best friend and companion takes time and requires patience with ourselves as we work through all of the complicated thoughts and emotions associated with that loss. It can feel confusing and out of control at times, and that is perfectly normal. Despite what well-meaning friends or family may try to tell us, grieving is not a neat, orderly series of stages that we must move through on a set timeline and then we simply "move on." Please rest assured that wherever you are on this journey, your feelings are very real and valid.
Following are some common questions that pet parents have asked me about losing their beloved animal companion. If you have any other questions or would like more information on these or other topics related to grief, please feel free to contact me and I will be happy to see how I can help.
Why am I feeling this way? I feel like I'm losing my mind!
Please know that everything you are you feeling right now is a normal, natural part of losing someone who was so very important to you. You loved your pet so very dearly, and of course you are feeling sad, confused, angry, and much more. Many people share that losing their dog, cat, or other animal companion was as painful, if not more so, than losing a human loved one. Our pets share so much of our lives with us and are much more than "just a pet." They are our best friend, our "child" (particularly for those of us who do not have human children or our children are grown), our constant companion. They loved us conditionally, and were always there to bring us a smile or comfort us. The bond that we share with them really is unlike any other relationship in our lives. Honor the love that you had (and still have) for your pet, and honor any and all feelings you may have as you navigate the loss of your best friend. As grief expert Dr. Alan Wolfelt says, "You aren't crazy, you are grieving!"
How long will I feel this way? The pain is unbearable.
There really is no one-size-fits-all way to answer this, as grief is such an individual experience and each person grieves differently and according to their own timeline. Grief takes as long as it needs to take. What I can tell you, though, is that the pain will not always feel the way that it does right now. The weeks, months, and years ahead, grief changes shape and starts to become more manageable. Even though it may not feel possible right now, each day will bring just a little more healing as you grieve your loss and work through all of the complicated thoughts and feelings that are a part of missing your loved one. There will come a day when you will find yourself smiling a little when you look at his or her picture. A memory of something silly they did will make you laugh. This is part of the healing process and does not mean that you are forgetting them or "moving on," but rather you are making room for hope and healing to sit beside the sadness. For now, though, it is important to be patient and gentle with yourself and allow space for this process to gradually unfold.
What are some things I can do to feel better right now?
Good self-care is so vitally important when grieving a significant loss. This can make taking time to rest and making sure you are getting adequate nutrition---both of which can be challenging, as grief tends to interfere with sleep and appetite. It can help to do some journaling or talk about your pet with supportive others. Allowing yourself to feel what you feel without judgment is another very important part of the grieving process, particularly in those challenging first days and weeks after a loss. For more tips on taking good care of yourself in these early days of grief, please contact me and I'll be happy to send you my free guide with more tips on good self-care.
How do I know if what I'm feeling is truly normal?
While grief looks different for each of us, there are some common physical and emotional aspects to grieving that most of us will experience to varying degrees. Those include:
- Extreme sadness
- Uncontrollable crying
- Wanting to scream
- Lack of appetite
- Trouble sleeping
- Difficulty focusing or concentrating on work or even simple daily tasks
- Confusion
- Feelings of hopelessness
- Thoughts of no longer wanting to live*
- Nightmares or troubling dreams
- Anxiety or fear
- A feeling that this cannot be real
- Feelings of isolation or abandonment
- Irritability
- Bitterness (this may be directed at other pet owners who still have their animal companions)
- Physical pain such as headaches, muscle aches and pain, or stomach issues
- Heart palpitations
- Shortness of breath or shallow breathing
- Anger (this can be directed towards oneself, our pet's veterinarian, others who do not seem to be experiencing the same level of emotional pain, or even towards God)
- Obsessive thoughts/rumination
- Feeling enormous guilt and second-guessing decisions that were made on behalf of your pet, particularly at the end
All of these are a normal, healthy part of the grieving process. Rather than trying to bottle up your feelings, it is important to give yourself permission to feel and express these and any other thoughts or feelings you may be having now and in the days ahead. As you acknowledge and find ways to get these difficult emotions out of your head and into the light of day where you can explore them further, little by little they tend to start feeling less intense and overwhelming.
When should I feel concerned about myself? I feel like I'm getting worse as time passes.
Sometimes it can seem as though we feel a lot worse before we start to feel better. This may be because the shock of what has happened has started to wear off and the full reality of having lost our very dearest friend and companion is being felt in full force. However, if in the weeks and months after the loss of your pet you still feel as though deep emotional pain is interfering in a substantial way with daily functioning, it might be time to speak with your doctor to make sure there are no underlying health issues that could be a factor. Your doctor may also recommend a licensed therapist or counselor who can evaluate you for possible depression or PTSD, and can help you explore other issues that could be contributing to, or worsening, your emotional pain. *If at any time you feel as though you may harm yourself, please call 911 or contact the suicide prevention hotline at 988 without delay.
I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I need pet loss grief support. Is it silly for me to ask for this type of help to cope with the loss of my pet?
Absolutely not! Pet loss grief support is for anyone who is struggling with pet loss---be it pet death, a pet who has disappeared, or a pet who is no longer in the home for other reasons. A pet person may also recognize signs of grief before the loss of a pet who is elderly or dealing with a life-limiting illness (this is known as Anticipatory Grief). Although society in general would have us believe that the need for grief support is a sign of weakness or of our inability to cope with life's problems, quite the opposite is true. Recognizing that you are having a tough time with the loss or anticipated loss of an animal companion, and that you need someone who can listen as you share the impact of this significant loss on your life, is actually a sign of good self-awareness and self-care. Please feel free to contact me to see if pet loss bereavement support is something that might benefit you.
What are some other things I can do to help me cope with losing my pet?
I offer a number of tools to help the grieving pet parent explore pet loss grief and find strategies to help make reconciliation of the loss and gradual healing possible. Please feel free to ask me about my Pet Loss Grief Workbook and other materials that were written specifically for the grieving pet parent who would like some additional support at this difficult time. In addition, some helpful activities might include:
- Joining a pet loss support group, either online or in your community (please note that, for some, a support group may be too "triggering," especially in the earliest days and weeks of loss; please do what is right for you in this moment);
- Finding ways to pay tribute to and memorialize your pet. This may be a funeral or celebration of life ceremony; planting a tree or beautiful flowers in their honor; donating to an animal shelter in their memory; or any other activity that is meaningful to you and allows you to actively mourn your loss;
- Finding ways to remember your pet. This might be a scrapbook or shadow box of keepsakes, or something as simple as sharing their story with supportive others who understand and appreciate how incredibly special your friend was (and continues to be);
- Exploring ongoing ways to feel connected with your pet despite the fact that they are no longer physically beside you;
- Contemplating how this experience of love and loss has changed and shaped you, and exploring ways in which you might carry your pet's legacy of love forward with you in the weeks and months ahead. Doing so can help give you a renewed sense of purpose as you gradually move toward healing.
Losing a beloved animal friend affects us deeply on so many levels: physically, emotionally, intellectually, and even spiritually. Even when their death is not unexpected, there really is no preparing ourselves for the onslaught of thoughts and feelings once our pet is no longer physically with us. Author and mental health professional Jeannine Moga sums it up well: "Grief feels rotten [and] often hits us surprisingly hard. People who are grieving often have tired, uncooperative bodies; broken hearts; and brains that change between numbness, confusion, and too much time spent on the "what ifs." Even for people who have survived many precious experiences with death, it is not uncommon to describe the loss of a deeply bonded pet as significantly more distressing. You may find that you have lost the capacity for finding comfort---your usual calming, self-soothing activities may not work. When all else fails, go back to the basics: hydration, nourishment, rest, and exercise. Support your body so that your body can support you in grief."
